They Only Call Themselves Terrorists

The "War on Terror" has been a failure. Nobody with a brain disputes this statement. Most are now disenchanted with the Bush administration's handling of the situation but many see no clear alternative. "At least he's doing something", is a statement you hear frequently in defense of the President. You gotta wonder though, who are we fighting? And why? And is it making any difference? Nobody is telling us this stuff and I don't know about you but I'm getting tired of it.

I see sound bites on cable of various Mullahs, issuing Fatwahs declaring Jihad on America. For some reason, I'm not too scared. These guys are obviously squirrels. They have such flat affects and don't seem mentally sharp. They look like they smell bad. Nobody would dress like that or grow those scraggly beards on purpose. Does anybody really think that a bunch of Q'uiran reading couch potatoes, who haven't figured out the mechanics of a toothbrush, are going to successfully lead the Armies of Islam in the destruction of the Great Shaitan. I'm having a hard time with it.

The Iraqis do not have their shit together. The only stable thing about Iraq is the American presence. It's clear that if we left, the whole country would explode like a cheap pocketwatch with an overwound mainspring. What's even more amazing, is that everyone there seems eager for it to happen. They don't even hate us, they just want us to get out of the way while they dismantle the country back into it's tribal components. So why don't we leave and let them get on with it.

Are we really worried about Iran acquiring a nuclear weapon? Say they do make one. It will be low yield and weigh about as much as a main battle tank. How would they deliver this bomb, by donkey cart? Say they managed to blow up D.C. It would be a tragedy, all those historic monuments, museums and libraries gone. Otherwise, no great loss. I've always thought Vegas would make a good Capital, or maybe Orlando. Our brave governmental officials might not be missed much, but they wouldn't go into that long, dark night unavenged. Just imagine it, a 630,000 square mile skateboard park, paved with a smooth, durable glass finish. I'd go.

Did you guys see those neat publicity films put out by the feared Islamofacist terrorist organization Hezbollah, at the beginning of the recent hostilities in Lebanon. I did, and they were GREAT! First, it had them marching down some street in close order. They were all dressed up in tailored uniforms, bloused boots and silk scarves. Very colorful. Then they broke into some kind of flashy, disco duck, double time. Man, I been to boot camp and I learned to march but not like that! That must have taken a long time to get down right. Next, these guys were way up in the air, hanging on ropes, doing all of these graceful, choreographed, twirling moves. I think they call it Hezbobatics. It was way better than Cirque de Soleil. It was very clever of them to put those films out. Almost nobody noticed that they didn't do any fighting. None, zero, nada. Their entire strategy was to fire a bunch of rockets in the general direction of Israel and then cower in basements. Their only other strategic move was to herd a bunch of retarded children into a building they were sure the Israelis were going to shell, and then call in the press corps to report on the predictably grizzly aftermath, complete with the ubiquitous, but always effective, wailing crones. That won the war for them, right there. I"m so scared of these guys, it makes the piss run right down my leg.

Are you guys tired of those long waits at the airport boarding gates? Contracting nasty fungal infections standing around in your stocking feet, while they X-ray your shoes? Having to buy back that gold plated manicure kit in the cool lizard skin case on eBay after every business trip? Not being able to find your favorite brand of replacement toiletry items in a strange city? Are you still sore from that last cavity search? I am and I've about had enough of it. How does this sound? Everybody that gets on a plane, over the age of eighteen, gets offered a complimentary taser for the duration of the trip. The flight attendant gives instructions for it's operation right after those for the seatbelts, O2 masks and flotation devices. I'd take one. It might not be the perfect solution but you can only do so much.

This is not a war of class. This is not a war of states. This is not a war of political ideology. Armies are of no value. This is JIHAD! Islam wants us to understand their disdain for us and requires only one thing in return, FEAR!

HEAR ME NOW, MY AMERICAN BRETHREN AND SISTREN. We have things to do and a country to run. Fear is not productive. Safety is not an option. Civility and trust are for those that are trustworthy and civil in return. You need not tolerate threats or aggressive behavior, from anyone, for any reason. A civilized society need not be weak or effete. We must put away our petty differences. One American threatened is a threat to all. Do not fight this threat alone. Form alliances with your fellow Americans at every level of endeavor. Be vigilant. If you see a potential threat, communicate it and gather more information. If it requires action, you'll know what to do and you won't have to do it alone. I'll help, I swear it. There are others that will too.