Stem Cells

Mr President:

Today I'd like to talk with you about stem cell research. It looks like Congress, firmly controlled by the GOP, will be sending you a bill authorizing Federal funding for stem cell research. The potential uses for stem cells, as a therapeutic agent in medical care, are still unclear. The purpose of this research is to explore this potential. It is important for you to realize that scientific knowledge, regardless of what religious advisors may tell you, is always a good thing. It is often useful to corporate interests in the pursuit of profit. Scientific advances increase the stature of America in the international community. They have even been known to aid in the national defense. Just as an aside, although I know it is not of interest to you, it may cause the sick to be cured and the lame to rise up and walk.

Unfortunately, this activity would involve the destruction of large numbers of fertilized human eggs. This is in conflict with your strict moral belief, to foster a "Culture of Life". Your strongest supporter in Congress on this issue, Ricky " If She Floats She's a Witch" Santorum, correctly points out that evil, secular humanist scientists, given free reign, will soon set up " Fetus Farms", and who knows what other abominations, to torture these incipient souls. These fertilized eggs, byproduct of clinics striving to provide affluent barren couples with an alternative to adopting a child, who might be, "Not Like Us", are currently disposed of in the time honored, traditional manner, flushing them down the toilet. Oh, what's a poor, developmentally disabled president to do!

If I might be so bold as to offer a suggestion. Take the moral high road. No matter which way you look at it, these eggs are toast. These little guys are never going to get the chance to tear around Midland on Saturday night in a '63 Apache pickup, or get lucky with Peggy Sue after the Prom, but we can do the best we can for them while they're here. After these embryos are thawed out, they're going to have to undergo a maturational process. That's going to involve a liquid medium and that's the answer to your dilemma, Zygotic Babtism!

As the eggs get dumped into the vat down at the fetus factory, and their little cells begin to replicate, an ordained representative of James "Galileo Was Wrong" Dobson's Focus on the Family organization can be there to help them to accept Jesus as their Lord and Savior. They will then be able to enter into the Kingdom of Heaven with their little undifferentiated cell masses held up high. I know what you're thinking. Dr. Jim isn't going to go along with this. Wrong again, Bonzo. After you point out to him, that as his parishoners, these little zygotic lambs will be allowed to contribute 10% of the gross profits derived from stem cell research as tithes to his Swiss Children's Ministry, you won't be able to hold him back. Who says religion and science can't work together.

I've got to tell you that I'm very excited about the potential benefits of stem cell research and so should you be. It's possible that one day soon Dick Cheney could get a new heart, you could get a new brain, and they could grow poor Karl Rove a spine. Maybe then, you could all skip on down the yellow brick road to the city on the hill, the Emerald City, green with envy and green with cash.

I hope I've helped you work through the difficult decision of whether or not to sign the stem cell research bill, I know you always try to do the right thing. I know that brain thing makes it hard. You should listen to Laura more, and try to cut down on the booze, it's not a good example for Jenna.

Thanks for taking the time to read this. Bye for now.